Even today, as I write this blog, I can recall that afternoon when I was in the middle of an important work call and my 2.5-year-old son, Madhav, who was quietly playing, gave me a thought: he was playing quietly, so let me finish the report after the call.
Then suddenly he came to me, holding my knee and calling, ‘Mama, Mama.’ As I was on a call, I signalled him, ‘One minute’, which for adults is understandable, but for a toddler it was just his mama doing something. The voice grew louder and louder, and I had to leave the call midway. By the time I was keeping my device aside, he was already lying down on the floor crying. Our eyes met, and we both looked at each other as if we were meeting for the first time.
That was the moment I felt terrible – I thought the moment he needed me, I was not there for him. He is not watching TV or habituated to screen time. I am the only one for him, and when I am working and not paying him enough attention, he feels alone. He is just a toddler waiting for his mother to be with him.
This incident shook me over, and a sudden guilt arose, questioning my motherhood: what kind of mother chooses her work over her child? If you cannot be present, then why are you even working? Your toddler needs you more than your work.
To all the mothers out there who have felt this Guilt before, this post is for you. You are not failing as a mother. You care so deeply about your child that even if you leave him alone for a few seconds, you feel guilty.
People hide these parts of motherhood.
Every mother, before her child comes, has dreamt of bright, warm mornings with her child, all day long playing, loving, and caring for the child. No postpartum depression, no exhaustion, and that’s what all the gentle parenting and social media show. I also believed the same! No screen time, just me and my child.
But the harsh truth is different. I forgot that I will still have to work; I will still have certain commitments and responsibilities to fulfill with my brain, and I will have to adjust not just to playing with a toddler but also to functioning for other responsibilities.
I was not aware that no screen time means you are available to your child 24×7. You are his playdate, his emotional support, and his entire source of entertainment. Even if you leave him for a couple of minutes, he will feel confused, thinking Mama is not here and that I am all alone. This thought will upset him, and eventually he will start crying.
I had no one to tell me that working from home and managing a toddler at the same time will eventually drown me in Guilt. Guilt of not being fully present with my son and, at the same time, Guilt of not being present as a working person. Both of my roles as a woman are affected. At the end of the day, it feels like I have imperfectly done both roles, and I feel absolutely ashamed of it.
This is the invisible weight which every mother carries, silently feeling overwhelmed. There is a tension between being a mother and being a working person. But still, a mother with a smiling face tells everyone, ‘I am managing fine.‘ Deep down, she knows she will be criticized and has no one to listen to her.
Why does being so kind to yourself sound difficult?
The honest and bitter truth of motherhood is that if you are guilty, that means you care the most!
As mothers, we all have made choices that are best for our children, like no screen time, only home-cooked meals, more physical activity, and conscious, gentle parenting. Still, by making these thoughtful choices, we are actually getting hard on ourselves. Sometimes the intention and reality do not match. You cook a delicious meal for your child, and at the same time one of the family members orders food, so the child is inclined to eat the outside food, since it is new to him. You feel like you have lost the battle. Why? Because your child is insisting on eating that outside food rather than the home-cooked one. Some days, if your child is not eating properly and running here and there for a few seconds, you think about screen time. Because you have other things to work on, you show him the screen, and he eats the food properly in one sitting. Still, you feel sad that you have failed as a mother.
As a mother, always remember all days are not the same. Sometimes things might be as you want, and sometimes they might be different. It’s ok to have a change on some days. This shows how much you love your child.
That day, when I was on a work call, I was not a neglectful mother; I was just a mother trying to hold the fort by temporarily dropping one thing. This does not make me a failed mother. This was the person who was by herself, managing multiple responsibilities.
But Guilt does not care for this. Guilt defines a good mother. It defines a good mother who would have easily figured it out. A perfect mother would not work when the child is awake, would always prioritise the child, and would not let him cry. A perfect mother would not have a sigh of relief when her child sleeps.
Motherhood guilt has set the perfect/good mother standard so high that you start measuring yourself against it. The more you love your child, the more conscious you get of raising him and the more guilt you feel.
Emotional Overwhelm Is a Signal, Not a Shortcoming
When you have a toddler, you have a clingy monkey phase. I had the phase when Madhav was just clingy. He wanted all my attention on him. He would start crying even if I walked to the other room. He always wanted to be held, to be constantly available to him. I was trying to cope with my work, function smoothly and calmly in the house, and be the one person with her own needs.
I still remember feeling so overwhelmed that even words were hard to find. It was not sadness or anger, just a heavy, foggy feeling of giving everything and still expecting to give more.
For weeks, I felt guilty about this episode and was unable to concentrate on anything. One day I sat and listened to myself. A voice came over, telling me, ‘You are already doing more; you are already doing everything without support and enough rest.’
This is what emotional overwhelm looks like. It is not telling you that you are not a capable mother of raising your own child; rather, it is a clear signal that your body and mind need rest and support, and you cannot just keep running.
The problem is, as mothers, we often interpret these guilt signals as something else. If you need support, you question, ‘Am I not enough?’ Instead of accepting that this is genuinely difficult, we interpret it as ‘Why can’t I?’ Other mothers are managing.’
Always remember motherhood is different for everyone. So instead of comparing, start listening to yourself.
This translation is the reason we feel ashamed and depleted and do not feel better.
What It Really Takes to Raise a Screen-Free Toddler While Working
I want to discuss this specifically, as it is an altogether different approach and topic that should be addressed.
I decided to raise Madhav without screens, a choice I felt really good about. But it came at a cost on the most difficult days.
For a toddler, no screen time means his mother is the ultimate package. She will be his source of entertainment, his playmate, his emotional support, everything. Even if a mother needs to work, attend a call, or complete a 10-minute task, the absence of that buffer without a screen is felt immediately by both of them. When you are not working, you feel happy that your child comes to you and you are his whole world. But when you have some commitments to fulfill at that time, you feel heavy.
Working mothers have felt this Guilt. The Guilt of leaving your child playing alone while you work. He keeps coming to you because, for him, you are his only world, but for you it is hard to explain that his mother also has other work. You keep him watching with Guilt when he has meltdowns, and he needs you the most, but you are unable to pay him attention right away.
Not paying all your attention to your child, working and having a life outside of him, and not being available to him all the time do not make you a bad mother. Being a mother does not mean being available to your child 100 percent of the time. Even a good mother or a perfect mother does not define this.
It simply means you are a human trying to balance your life. You are trying to provide a screen-free environment for your child and working hard to keep up with your responsibilities. You are your own person with your own needs and responsibilities. This is not what you should be guilty about; instead, you should pat yourself on the back and be proud of yourself.
Small Things That Made a Big Difference
Instead of just sitting all day thinking what a bad mother I am, I made some small changes which have helped me a lot whenever I am in this kind of mess again. Happily sharing the changes:
The waiting signal: Whenever I was on a call and Madhav came to me, I would signal him to wait. But for a toddler, he needs his Mama, and he will definitely not understand the signal. So I changed this habit. Instead of signaling every time I have work, I used to talk to him: ‘Mama has to work a little, so you play, and I will be there with you soon.’ Please don’t disturb Mama in between. At first, he was unable to process and wanted things his way, but he gradually understood. By inculcating this habit, we created a new connection of understanding between us.
Making the Shift from Employee to Parent: So, before, I used to scroll my phone after finishing work while Madhav was sitting and waiting for me. So instead, I changed it to no device after work hours. I started sitting with my son, playing with him, and hearing him out. This has helped me gain confidence that, now that he knows, if Mama has closed the laptop, she will be all mine. This assured me that after working, Mama is all mine.
Casually telling your Guilt: One evening, I just took Madhav to the society garden, where children were playing, and mothers were watching and talking. While talking, we talked about the Guilt we face, and believe me, every mother has different Guilt. But the word that made me realize I am not alone in this is ‘me too ’. That ‘me too’ sounded, to be honest, supportive, and it made me feel I am not alone. So, Mother, you also find your ‘me too’ person and feel happy that you are not alone.
Let go of screen time on hard days: No screen time is really good, but on hard days, instead of giving yourself a hard time, be a little gentle with yourself. If I need 10 mins for myself and Madhav is in a good mood, I used to explain to him that Mama needs to finish this, but because you will be alone for those 10 mins, I am allowing you to have 10 mins of screen time. This will not make you a bad mother; instead, this will teach your child how to manage the situation without being tough on yourself.
Express yourself to your kids: After a tiring day, you need 10 mins to yourself without any disturbance. But with a toddler, it is not possible. This is the habit I changed. Whenever I needed some time for myself, I used to tell Madhav, ‘Mama is tired and needs a few mins for herself.’
At first he was unable to process what I was telling me, but a child can sense what a mother is feeling. He understood the tone and made sure to give his Mama a few mins for herself. So after a few minutes he would come to me and ask, ‘Are you ok now? Shall I come to you now?’
For me, this was a big change because now Madhav could understand what his mother needed.
Both Realities Deserve Space
Feeling overwhelmed with loving your child is completely allowed. Both feelings exist, and this will not make you a bad mother. This will show how deeply you care for your child.